Saturday, June 16, 2012

Moving day!

Alright guys, I've been hemming and hawing about switching to wordpress for a while now, and I finally decided to do it, before I have too many things to move over. The new blog has a different name, it is called Sickly Joye, and can be found at:

I'll move all the posts from here over, so once I do that, you can just read from the wordpress one.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I'm a covergirl!

After I wrote my last post, I stumbled upon a magazine cover maker on Cosmo's website. I am so very glad I did. 

Diary of a Girl Following Cosmo's Advice

6:30 AM- Woke up early to match my nail polish to my bra. 

7:00 AM- Putting on my make up before work. Cosmo says that make up makes me feminine and that men will want me because it shows I care about my appearance. I always thought that being healthy showed that I cared about myself, so I'm glad I started reading Cosmo so that I can stop making this mistake. No wonder I don't have a husband!

7:30 AM- I am trying a new perfume today. Cosmo says the combined smell of pumpkin pie and lavender turns men on. I couldn't find any actual body spray that was scented that way, so I just put some lavender sprigs and half a pumpkin pie into a bottle full of rubbing alcohol. I can't wait to see my boyfriend get all worked up!

8:40AM- I'm forty minutes late for work. It doesn't seem like the best idea to ask for time off, but Cosmo assures me that scheduling a "vacay" will boost my productivity. I'll go talk to my boss.

9AM- My boss seemed annoyed when I tried to explain that looking forward to a vacation would make me work harder, and she's not giving me the time off. I am bummed.

9:05AM- Cosmo suggests I watch a youtube video when I feel cranky at work. It's supposed to put me in a better frame of mind! I'll try that.

9:10- My boss walked into my cubicle while I was watching a video of cats falling off of things. She seems even more annoyed with me now.

10AM- I'm still upset about my boss, I can't focus. Cosmo says I should exercise while at work, so that I feel ready to tackle the rest of the day.

10:10 AM- My boss suspended me after finding me doing squats in front of my desk!

11AM- Found a whole section in Cosmo about cheating. All of the signs point to my boyfriend cheating on me. He never wants me to read his emails, he's started trimming his nose hair, sometimes he smells like baby powder even though we don't have any in the house, and he seems really happy all the time! Like Cosmo says, "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why." 

12 AM- Finally stopped crying enough to read up on Cosmo's body language articles to tell if he is lying or if he is hiding something. If he wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair, shrugs, touches his face underneath his nose, puts his hands in his pockets, his throat gets dry, or he wants to have sex with me, he's hiding something! I'll have to be on the look out for these signs. Thank God for Cosmo!

5 PM- When I asked him how his day was, he shrugged. Things are looking bleak.

5:30 PM- He's making dinner, so I'm trying to relax and am reading a Cosmo article titled "How to Train Your Guy." If he's not cheating on me, this might come in handy later.

8 PM- He wants to have sex with me. ANOTHER WARNING SIGN. Since I still don't know for sure, I will try out some of Cosmo's sex tips.

9 PM- Life is ruined. I'm suspended from my job, and my boyfriend just dumped me! I don't understand what happened! He must have been cheating on me. He seemed less than impressed with the marbles I scattered over the sheets, even though Cosmo assured me that he would love it. And then, when I tried to slip a frozen grape into his mouth, he spit it out! The last straw seemed to be when I tried to tie a beaded necklace around his junk. He got up out of bed and said he never wanted to see me again! 

9:10 PM- At least my nails still match my underwear.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

This post is about chickens

Today I learned about chicken eyeglasses.
And you can take him to see a 3D movie!

 Apparently, people used to put rose colored goggles on their chickens, so that they wouldn’t be able to recognize blood if they saw it on one another, as that would trigger an attack instinct. There are several things about this that make me insanely happy.

1.   At some point, somewhere, putting spectacles on a chicken was seen as an ingenious invention.
2. Someone cared enough to protect their poor little feathered friends from a mass flock attack. I know it        was probably only done for monetary reasons, you know, saving your livestock and all that, but it still warms
my heart to think of a farmer fitting each of his chickens with a pair of glasses and then tucking them in all nice and snug and bringing them a warm glass of milk.

3. If someone as stable as a turn of the century U.S. farmer seriously thought these were a good idea, then I now have some back up for all those times my boyfriend tells me I can’t have a pet just for the clothes I could make it wear. Like that time I wanted a rat so that I could put it in a mermaid costume, or the time with the falcon and the tiny hat.

4. Because this sentence exists because of it: “The practice of bespectacling one's chickens was alive and well, at least as of 1973, when an Illinois poultry farmer was reported in Illinois' The Hawk-Eye newspaper to have 8,000 chickens fitted with the rose-colored variety”
Seriously, who has the patience to do this 8,000 times?

5. And because this happened:

6. It makes the chickens look like either hippie stoners, or fierce war heroes. 

Monday, April 30, 2012

Sometimes, I don't know how I function

Unfamiliar social situations make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, to the point that I just avoid them entirely. This is not just a case of shyness at meeting new people. Oh no. It doesn’t matter if I am planning on making a good impression, or if I know I will never see the people involved again. If there is a situation that I haven’t been in before, and it involves talking to people, you can almost always count me out. Of course there are exceptions, or else I would be at home all the days and never make any friends. Usually, someone has to either be very insistent and force me and guilt/humiliate me into doing something, which causes me to be shy and quiet and weird the entire night, or they have to be saintishly patient with me, and offer me constant reassurance and hand holding the whole time, and also walk me through the entire situation a zillion times beforehand. Then I might start to feel sort of a little comfortable with the idea of talking to a new person or going to a new place. What I’m getting at here is, I’m tons of fun to be around. Here’s a list of things that send me into a panic spiral.

11.     Eating at an unfamiliar restaurant. Unless I am with someone I know well, and who is also familiar with the restaurant, I won’t go. There are too many things that could go wrong. I could hate the food. I could be the wrong sort of person for that restaurant. I could be under or overdressed. The wait staff could be rude. The menu items could have ridiculous names, and I will have to mutter that I want a “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity” but then the waitress won’t hear me and then I will find myself yelling that phrase out in a suddenly hushed restaurant full of people. It could be a nudist restaurant. I need to know what I am getting myself into.

"Can I have that without the Tooty, please?"

22.  Restaurants and other places where you give your order at a counter, and then have to pick up your order at some other window or part of the counter or something. I get very anxious about where to stand while I wait, and become entirely too stressed out while trying to figure out where to pick my shit up, even if it is clearly labelled. I struggle to keep my facial expressions out of a look of horror, because I just KNOW all the people are staring at me, wondering what the poor lost simple girl is doing.
You can pick up your order at the top of the stairs.

  3.  Having to walk into a place that I don’t know very well to meet people. If I know the place, I know the layout and how things function, and can get to searching with a purpose. If I don’t know the place, I will walk in and have a look or confusion and searching on my face, and for some reason, this is entirely unacceptable to me. It is terrifying to me, that someone might secretly be watching me, and that they will see this look cross my face. Especially if it turns out I’m early or something, and the people I am supposed to be meeting aren’t already there and then I have to stand around feeling awkward until they arrive.
What my brain thinks is happening every time I walk in a room.

4.       Tripping when I am walking by myself. If I trip in front of people I know, I’m totally fine with it and will probably even laugh while I am laying in the ground bleeding. However, if I even stumble while walking down a path on my own, I am instantly seized with a feeling of dread. WHAT IF SOMEONE SAW ME? What if they happen to know everyone I am friends with and then they tell my friends and my friends hate me? I struggle to act like it never happened, all the while looking around for potential witnesses who are plotting to destroy my whole life.
And then this might happen.

And so on. I guess what we learned today, is that I’m a huge freak, and I’m quite up on myself for thinking that people would be interested enough to be looking at me at all times.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I am who I am and I am not ashamed of that. Even though I should be

I know this will be a shock to you all, but my usually impeccable taste is sometimes marred by things that are pretty much awful, but for some reason, seem to have a pull on me, much like the effect gravity seems to be having on this young man’s pants.

 So, if you all promise not to tell anyone, these are top 5 guilty pleasures.

1.       Time Management Games. I can’t tell you how many I have installed on my phone.  My favourite right now is Bug Village. I can’t explain why I love these games so much, but I can’t even count the number of times I’ve downloaded one out of idle curiosity, and then spent the next few hours making sure a pet salon ran smoothly, while leveling up to meet the increasing needs of my tiny pixel-y customers. I really have no idea why these games are so appealing. I think I just like playing god, and controlling little lives. Whatever the reason, I’m embarrassed to admit it in the presence of those with good taste.
Those bright colors are calling my name.

2.       Books with Ridiculous Titles. I love all books, and the snob in me wishes this weren’t the case, but I especially love books with bright colors on the cover, or ridiculous titles. Unfortunately, when these two features combine, the result is almost always really terrible chick lit. Which I hate. But I can’t resist buying the book anyway, if the title makes me chuckle. I secretly hope that people will see my hilariously titled books and also chuckle appreciatively at my sense of humor.
This is not even close to all of them.

3.       Rap Rock/”Nu-Metal”. I hate admitting this the most, I think. Those guys are all douche bags, I know, and the music is definitely really terrible.  But when I am having a really cranky day, nothing cheers me up faster than Fred Durst threating to “skin your ass raw” with a chainsaw. It’s the simple pleasures I guess.
Honestly. Just try to imagine it.

4.       Disgusting Food. I know everyone is all health conscious now and eating, like, glucose free vegetarian kelp, but I just can’t get on board. I like cheeseburgers from Mcdonald's, I craved french fries after reading Fast Food Nation, and I’m not at all concerned about the “pink slime” many places use for chicken nuggets or beef coins or whatever the hell.  

      To be quite honest, if it’s fast food, I’m not going there for healthful food and top quality. In fact, I don’t go anywhere for that ever. Because things that are good for you are almost always not as tasty as something that is bad. So, if you don’t judge me for eating cold pizza over the sink for breakfast, I won’t judge you for drinking kombucha.
Seriously, guys?

5.       Reality TV/Infomericals.  I don’t get sucked into shows like Survivor or Big Brother or American Idol or what have you,  but put on Masterchef or The Home Shopping Network, and I will see you in a few hours because there is no way I’m missing this. I don’t feel so bad about this one, because I’m not the type of person that watches much TV, and I also don’t watch the reality shows the first time around, ever. I almost always discover these shows after they’ve been on for a season or two, and they are airing reruns in a marathon. I love the shit out of those marathons. The infomercials I feel a little guiltier about, because I will watch the same one over and over, and then make other people watch them too. Sometimes I look them up online, just so I can watch them during normal hours of the day. 
I have wanted one of these for nearly a decade.
So there you have it. I clearly have atrocious taste, hidden under a thin veneer of class.

Monday, April 2, 2012

It tastes like elk, y'all

I meant to post an actual thing today, but then I didn't because school and work and I'm doing 30 straight days of yoga. However, here is a short video of me eating kangaroo.