Monday, April 30, 2012

Sometimes, I don't know how I function

Unfamiliar social situations make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, to the point that I just avoid them entirely. This is not just a case of shyness at meeting new people. Oh no. It doesn’t matter if I am planning on making a good impression, or if I know I will never see the people involved again. If there is a situation that I haven’t been in before, and it involves talking to people, you can almost always count me out. Of course there are exceptions, or else I would be at home all the days and never make any friends. Usually, someone has to either be very insistent and force me and guilt/humiliate me into doing something, which causes me to be shy and quiet and weird the entire night, or they have to be saintishly patient with me, and offer me constant reassurance and hand holding the whole time, and also walk me through the entire situation a zillion times beforehand. Then I might start to feel sort of a little comfortable with the idea of talking to a new person or going to a new place. What I’m getting at here is, I’m tons of fun to be around. Here’s a list of things that send me into a panic spiral.

11.     Eating at an unfamiliar restaurant. Unless I am with someone I know well, and who is also familiar with the restaurant, I won’t go. There are too many things that could go wrong. I could hate the food. I could be the wrong sort of person for that restaurant. I could be under or overdressed. The wait staff could be rude. The menu items could have ridiculous names, and I will have to mutter that I want a “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity” but then the waitress won’t hear me and then I will find myself yelling that phrase out in a suddenly hushed restaurant full of people. It could be a nudist restaurant. I need to know what I am getting myself into.

"Can I have that without the Tooty, please?"

22.  Restaurants and other places where you give your order at a counter, and then have to pick up your order at some other window or part of the counter or something. I get very anxious about where to stand while I wait, and become entirely too stressed out while trying to figure out where to pick my shit up, even if it is clearly labelled. I struggle to keep my facial expressions out of a look of horror, because I just KNOW all the people are staring at me, wondering what the poor lost simple girl is doing.
You can pick up your order at the top of the stairs.

  3.  Having to walk into a place that I don’t know very well to meet people. If I know the place, I know the layout and how things function, and can get to searching with a purpose. If I don’t know the place, I will walk in and have a look or confusion and searching on my face, and for some reason, this is entirely unacceptable to me. It is terrifying to me, that someone might secretly be watching me, and that they will see this look cross my face. Especially if it turns out I’m early or something, and the people I am supposed to be meeting aren’t already there and then I have to stand around feeling awkward until they arrive.
What my brain thinks is happening every time I walk in a room.

4.       Tripping when I am walking by myself. If I trip in front of people I know, I’m totally fine with it and will probably even laugh while I am laying in the ground bleeding. However, if I even stumble while walking down a path on my own, I am instantly seized with a feeling of dread. WHAT IF SOMEONE SAW ME? What if they happen to know everyone I am friends with and then they tell my friends and my friends hate me? I struggle to act like it never happened, all the while looking around for potential witnesses who are plotting to destroy my whole life.
And then this might happen.

And so on. I guess what we learned today, is that I’m a huge freak, and I’m quite up on myself for thinking that people would be interested enough to be looking at me at all times.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I am who I am and I am not ashamed of that. Even though I should be

I know this will be a shock to you all, but my usually impeccable taste is sometimes marred by things that are pretty much awful, but for some reason, seem to have a pull on me, much like the effect gravity seems to be having on this young man’s pants.

 So, if you all promise not to tell anyone, these are top 5 guilty pleasures.

1.       Time Management Games. I can’t tell you how many I have installed on my phone.  My favourite right now is Bug Village. I can’t explain why I love these games so much, but I can’t even count the number of times I’ve downloaded one out of idle curiosity, and then spent the next few hours making sure a pet salon ran smoothly, while leveling up to meet the increasing needs of my tiny pixel-y customers. I really have no idea why these games are so appealing. I think I just like playing god, and controlling little lives. Whatever the reason, I’m embarrassed to admit it in the presence of those with good taste.
Those bright colors are calling my name.

2.       Books with Ridiculous Titles. I love all books, and the snob in me wishes this weren’t the case, but I especially love books with bright colors on the cover, or ridiculous titles. Unfortunately, when these two features combine, the result is almost always really terrible chick lit. Which I hate. But I can’t resist buying the book anyway, if the title makes me chuckle. I secretly hope that people will see my hilariously titled books and also chuckle appreciatively at my sense of humor.
This is not even close to all of them.

3.       Rap Rock/”Nu-Metal”. I hate admitting this the most, I think. Those guys are all douche bags, I know, and the music is definitely really terrible.  But when I am having a really cranky day, nothing cheers me up faster than Fred Durst threating to “skin your ass raw” with a chainsaw. It’s the simple pleasures I guess.
Honestly. Just try to imagine it.

4.       Disgusting Food. I know everyone is all health conscious now and eating, like, glucose free vegetarian kelp, but I just can’t get on board. I like cheeseburgers from Mcdonald's, I craved french fries after reading Fast Food Nation, and I’m not at all concerned about the “pink slime” many places use for chicken nuggets or beef coins or whatever the hell.  

      To be quite honest, if it’s fast food, I’m not going there for healthful food and top quality. In fact, I don’t go anywhere for that ever. Because things that are good for you are almost always not as tasty as something that is bad. So, if you don’t judge me for eating cold pizza over the sink for breakfast, I won’t judge you for drinking kombucha.
Seriously, guys?

5.       Reality TV/Infomericals.  I don’t get sucked into shows like Survivor or Big Brother or American Idol or what have you,  but put on Masterchef or The Home Shopping Network, and I will see you in a few hours because there is no way I’m missing this. I don’t feel so bad about this one, because I’m not the type of person that watches much TV, and I also don’t watch the reality shows the first time around, ever. I almost always discover these shows after they’ve been on for a season or two, and they are airing reruns in a marathon. I love the shit out of those marathons. The infomercials I feel a little guiltier about, because I will watch the same one over and over, and then make other people watch them too. Sometimes I look them up online, just so I can watch them during normal hours of the day. 
I have wanted one of these for nearly a decade.
So there you have it. I clearly have atrocious taste, hidden under a thin veneer of class.

Monday, April 2, 2012

It tastes like elk, y'all

I meant to post an actual thing today, but then I didn't because school and work and I'm doing 30 straight days of yoga. However, here is a short video of me eating kangaroo.