Friday, June 15, 2012

Diary of a Girl Following Cosmo's Advice

Monday:
6:30 AM- Woke up early to match my nail polish to my bra. 


7:00 AM- Putting on my make up before work. Cosmo says that make up makes me feminine and that men will want me because it shows I care about my appearance. I always thought that being healthy showed that I cared about myself, so I'm glad I started reading Cosmo so that I can stop making this mistake. No wonder I don't have a husband!


7:30 AM- I am trying a new perfume today. Cosmo says the combined smell of pumpkin pie and lavender turns men on. I couldn't find any actual body spray that was scented that way, so I just put some lavender sprigs and half a pumpkin pie into a bottle full of rubbing alcohol. I can't wait to see my boyfriend get all worked up!


8:40AM- I'm forty minutes late for work. It doesn't seem like the best idea to ask for time off, but Cosmo assures me that scheduling a "vacay" will boost my productivity. I'll go talk to my boss.


9AM- My boss seemed annoyed when I tried to explain that looking forward to a vacation would make me work harder, and she's not giving me the time off. I am bummed.


9:05AM- Cosmo suggests I watch a youtube video when I feel cranky at work. It's supposed to put me in a better frame of mind! I'll try that.


9:10- My boss walked into my cubicle while I was watching a video of cats falling off of things. She seems even more annoyed with me now.


10AM- I'm still upset about my boss, I can't focus. Cosmo says I should exercise while at work, so that I feel ready to tackle the rest of the day.


10:10 AM- My boss suspended me after finding me doing squats in front of my desk!


11AM- Found a whole section in Cosmo about cheating. All of the signs point to my boyfriend cheating on me. He never wants me to read his emails, he's started trimming his nose hair, sometimes he smells like baby powder even though we don't have any in the house, and he seems really happy all the time! Like Cosmo says, "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why." 


12 AM- Finally stopped crying enough to read up on Cosmo's body language articles to tell if he is lying or if he is hiding something. If he wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair, shrugs, touches his face underneath his nose, puts his hands in his pockets, his throat gets dry, or he wants to have sex with me, he's hiding something! I'll have to be on the look out for these signs. Thank God for Cosmo!

5 PM- When I asked him how his day was, he shrugged. Things are looking bleak.

5:30 PM- He's making dinner, so I'm trying to relax and am reading a Cosmo article titled "How to Train Your Guy." If he's not cheating on me, this might come in handy later.

8 PM- He wants to have sex with me. ANOTHER WARNING SIGN. Since I still don't know for sure, I will try out some of Cosmo's sex tips.

9 PM- Life is ruined. I'm suspended from my job, and my boyfriend just dumped me! I don't understand what happened! He must have been cheating on me. He seemed less than impressed with the marbles I scattered over the sheets, even though Cosmo assured me that he would love it. And then, when I tried to slip a frozen grape into his mouth, he spit it out! The last straw seemed to be when I tried to tie a beaded necklace around his junk. He got up out of bed and said he never wanted to see me again! 

9:10 PM- At least my nails still match my underwear.

4 comments:

  1. Emmy, I fucking love you.

    I think my favorite Cosmo advice is the one where you give a guy a blow job with an ice cube in your mouth. Because, y'know, dick frostbite is awesome.

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    Replies
    1. I ... what? That sounds crowded. And cold.

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    2. I love that one too! Especially because they runt hat tip like every 3 issues. ALSO, if they ever say they have a "SUPER HOT SEX SECRET HE CRAVES" it will always be girl on top.

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